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四叶草

四叶草, 只要找到四瓣的, 幸运和幸福跟着你来. 但要在众三叶草中找到四叶的, 可说机会渺茫. 人群中, 要找到属于你的另一半, 又何尝容易?
在经历失去的伤痛后, 我只知道自己无法再承受再次失去的悲痛. 所以渐渐的把自己密封起来, 包得紧紧的. 没有了付出, 也不会有失去. 可是, 事情转变, 往往很偶然.
你不知道, 你在我无助彷徨, 自闭孤僻时, 敢敢的一刀砍下, 把我从深渊拉回. 你不知道, 你的一切, 给予我力量, 让我继续往前走. 你不知道, 你的出现, 让我知道我终于找到多年来所寻找的.
你可知道, 你让我的心跳加速, 手心冒汗. 你可看到, 你让我时常傻笑, 脸红. 你可知晓, 你让我感觉到充实和圆满. 让我觉得自己又再是个完整的个体. 困难的事, 不愉快的事, 悲伤的事, 也变得简单看透.
我要把任何事情, 无论开心或悲哀, 都与你分享. 也很感动, 你愿意与我一同面对. 谢谢你......Old Town.

梦2のDream2

自从爸爸过世后, 只梦过他一次. 他身穿衬衫短裤, 在咖啡店只望着我笑. 前几天, 就酱梦到第二次. 梦里我什么也没说, 见到爸爸就紧紧的抱着他, 大声的痛哭, 想要把一切一切的都哭完出来. 我这才发现, 我是多么的想念爸爸.
Ever since my dad died, I only dreamed about him once. It was in a coffee shop, he was wearin shirt n shorts, din't talk to me, just kept smilin at me. Few days ago, the 2nd dream came. When saw my dad in the dream, I hugged him tightly and cried out loud, with agony and sadness, just wana cried everythings out. At that moment, I realised that how much I miss him.

Stages Of Grieve

"...people say that there r 5 stages of grieve: Denial, Anger, Bargainin, Depressive and then Acceptance..."

...from Drop Dead Diva.

It's true, n time is the solution, eventually U will get over it, but just when? Will the time be ur whole life? Till the time when u've taken ur last breath?

爱♡Love

爱, 有很强的力量. 当拥有时, 能让你安心愉快. 但失去后, 能让你痛苦万分. 虽然说曾经快乐过, 当失去是也应该满足吧. 但失去后漫长空洞的煎熬日子, 谈何容易. 爱一个人容易吗? 当爱的人永远离开时, 那该怎么办? 为什么人要爱人也要被爱? 为什么爱了以后一定要承受离别的伤痛? 爸爸的离开, 感觉上像是出外旅行, 很快就回来, 但等来等去, 也只是一片空. 妈妈颤抖的双手, 一面抽泣一面的轻唤着爸爸, 可是爸爸就是不愿醒过来. 我不能接受, 也不愿承认. 每天, 心里就一着有东西揪着一般, 越拉越紧. 大家可能都认为我很坚强, 但其实我很想见到你时就抱紧你然后大声喊说:"我爸爸死了!我很难过!", 我很想用全精力大哭一场, 乱喊乱叫, 可是就是不能, 也办不到. 往往泪流几滴, 就立刻收干. 我害怕再爱, 但也希望能够好好的爱. 如果往后我有老婆了, 我希望她会是先行的哪一个.

Love, is a powerful thing. It can make U happy and comfort when it's around, but it also can make U sad and agony when it's gone. Some1 did say U been happy, y not satisfied when it's gone. But life after the lost, can U imagine? To love some1, is that easy? When ur love left forever, what shld U do? Why we have to love and bein love? Why we have to bear the sadness of the lost? The death of my dad likes he just went for a vacation and will be back soon, but after waitin and waitin, he just ain't come back. My mum keeps callin my dad's name in a whisper and tries to hug him tighly but he just ain't wake up. I can't believe it and I don't wana believe. Every day passes and my heart likes bein hook by some things, gettin heavy and heavy. Mayb every1 think Im tough and stron, but I wish I can hug U tighly and cry out loud," My dad is dead! I'm not gona make it!" I wish I can cry out loud, but I just can't do it. The tears will only drop down few drops then stop. I scare to love but at the same time I hope for love. If I ever have a wife, I wish she will the 1 who go 1st.

自然の瞬间...We R Young In Heart!

一张张熟悉的脸, 在最自然的瞬间拍下, 无论你是精灵古怪开怀大笑仔细聆听气质迷人岁月摧人老成稳重, 都一一的让人感动.

12 ppl with different personality, personality that is familiar and good to have it around. We r already late 20, but there's still a long way waitin for us to manage. Although we r "mature", but like ah Kang says, we r young in heart!! N he always says he is young by look also...some more look like lee hom, omg!

每当望向它, 都有暖流流入心房. 感觉上其实世界还值得留念, 还有快乐.
Every time I look at it, I can feel a warmth flows through my heart. The world seem that not so cruel and still got some hope in it.

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活着のExisting

人生在世, 究竟活着是为了什么? 意义何在?

What is the purpose of keep living? Why we ever exist?

从前& nOw

念念往生咒, 回向于众生. 从前念咒时经常观想给一切于往生了的众生. 如今竟然须加入父亲, 往往一观想时, 心会"磅"的一声, 一切思绪涌起. 想到了, 我又自动的把它压下, 有几深就几深. 我可以把它埋多深多久?

Usually when I pray, I will think of the ppl or more precisely those dead ppl, for their good. I cant believe that now I have to put my father in also. Every time I think of it, my heart will just BANG and OUCH. For instant, I bury it deep inside automatically. How deep and how long can I bury it?

禁忌or迷信?

昨晚为爸爸做三七, 来了两个不速之客, 爸爸的"老板"贤伉丽.

虽然说华人对丧事有避忌及pantang, 但此两人的"避忌"真的让我佩服. 爸爸去世后几天, 他们的儿子已接到我家的通知. 如果不是姐姐摇个电话要他们的一个交代, 他们应该会等三年后才来吧. 他们两人穿着大红而来(像样吗?), 我想他们应该也是穿红内裤吧. 难道去丧府至哀, 衰气就一定黏着你一世?

进到来, 也没说要烧香给我爸爸, 甚至连我家的神台都不敢望一眼. 难道他们怕爸爸会显身吗? 坐下来了, 开始解释, 说如果他们一早知道爸爸的死讯, 就算是年初一也赶来. 哈, 会来才怪, 也不必等到现在, 就算真的年初一出席丧礼, 会是一个很大的牺牲吗? 还说不会看短讯啦, 不知道消息(可笑的是, 女的一面讲, 男的一面很忙的悄悄读短讯和回短讯). 讲讲下, 竟然问我妈, 爸爸是坐着死还是睡着死...wtf, 这有那么重要吗?

人, 睁大双眼说瞎话, 面不改色. 一个字, 服. 假惺惺, 我真正地体会到了.

Have U ever c ppl that wearing RED to visit some1 that just happened to lose their love 1? Have U ever knw ppl that is SO pantang that so scare to go any places that got connection to the dead and so reluctant to just show some condolence? Have U ever c ppl lying like telling the truth? Have U ever ask ppl that what was the dieing pose of ur XX? Sitting or lying? Who r they? My dad's boss n his wife. WTF...

路边的野花のUnknown Flowers

今天去了父亲的灵塔处, 第一次发现原来野花也很漂亮, 难怪会有路边的野花不要採啦. 可惜的是不知道它的芳名, 有人知道吗?

I went to my father's place this morning. Suddenly I found that just outside the toilet, there are many of these kind of flowers. Isn't it pretty? Too bad I don't knw the name of it. Any1 can tell me?

它的叶子有如葱, 条状形.
Its leaves just look like anion leaves, long and narrow.

种在地上, 不到20cm. Planted on the floor, not even reach 20cm.

至少看到它能让我平静. They gave me a moment of peace.

梦のDream

这是梦吗?

有人可以叫醒我吗?
活在现实里
但很渴望是睡梦中
思绪不停的来
誓不放过
用尽全力
得来一片空白
有人, 可以叫醒我吗?

I can sleep I can eat, but my mind is restless. It's flooding me. Is this just a dream? Can it be a dream? Gosh, I hope it is. Anyone? Anyone please wake me up?

我的父亲走了のGoodBye Dad...

人会有一死, 我也经常会想当我的亲人死去时我会如何做. 想归想, 当真正发生时, 那是多么的讽刺. 我想不到父亲就酱的走了, 就是酱, 也没留下什么话.

年30晚, 还没到团圆饭的时候, 我与姐姐买完东西回家, 父亲就心痛坐在外面, 母亲与哥哥在一旁担心的看着. 在24小时诊疗所看了一轮, 为防万一, 就把父亲载到大医院去. 姐姐陪父亲量血压, 而我就去办登记. 戏剧化的, 当我在登记时, 护士跑出来喊 "code blue", 叫登记小姐通知医生. 我看着登记小姐, 她也看着我, 然后她叫我赶快进去.

不会是, 不会是. 我一面想一面跑去. 但在我内心我可感到是的,是的. 只见姐姐哭着看着父亲被抢救, 我只能紧抱着她, 把她带出去. 将近一小时的抢救, 我从害怕, 担心, 希望, 绝望的心情中一直来回打转. 耳边一着传来医护人员抢救的呼叫声, 从CPR, 强心针到电击压,我都清楚的知道他们在我父亲身上干什么.

最后看到的, 只是父亲死鱼般的眼神, 不会起来, 不会说话了. 哭, 我想哭出来, 大声的叫醒我父亲, 但我只能做到的只是让泪水流下来, 发出依依啊啊的声音.

我,哥哥和二姐跪着接我父亲回来, 而大姐从Ipoh赶回来, 要跪着进来, 一切都可在连续剧中看到.

望着家外突然多出的棺材, 为什么和怎么可能一直在我脑海里响起. 泪水也不知觉的流下. 每次睡醒时, 我都想可以的话就酱睡下去, 因为睡醒了所有事情又再我脑海里重演一轮. 为我父亲诵经时, 我要逼自己不想或开着眼睛, 因为一切事情都会很清楚的出现在我眼前.

为什么, 十万个为什么. 但又能如何? 心中挤满了不愤, 不满和伤心. 但又能如何? 上天安排如此, 我只能受了. 母亲身为未亡人, 心身上所受的何止是我的千倍. 我只愿我母亲能放开一切, 健康平安.

Ironic, things can happen just like this, n the worst is ntg u can do. Yes, the worst thing just happened right b4 the cny, my father passed away. I knw my father will nvr come back, but deep in my heart I refuse to accept it. Most of the time I just stare at ntg n my mind is just a blank. If I allow anythings to cross my mind, the whole incident will just play back again. I wish I can shout or even cry aloud, but what I manage to do is just let the tear dropped by my face.

I feel angry, reluctant and sad. But what can I do? Everything is just like normal after my father's funeral. The Earth wont stop moving or the sky will rain in red because of this. I have to go on. But the lost is always there. Anything I can wish now is for my mum to stay strong n healthy.